Being Different
The human need for a tribe, or a sense of belonging to a group, is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history and psychology. The need for connection and community remains a driving force in our lives. In modern times, our tribes might not be geographical but rather based on interests, professions, hobbies, or online communities. Feeling like the only one of your kind is extremely lonely. I can remember being very small, maybe about 3 years old, when I realized that the members of my family did not think the same way that I did. My Dad watching football on the TV and yelling at the screen, steps sounding on the floor as my mom vacuumed, my little sister crying, the phone ringing, the microwave buzzing, my dad’s glass thumping on the coffee table as he set it down. I can remember feeling confused when they did not seem to notice the calamity of sound that made me feel like screaming. To me, my house was LOUD all the time. And so, I hid. I hid in my bedroom and lost myself in the magical world of books on tape. I would spend hours in my room, listening to my Talk'N'Play, my Cricket Doll, and Read-A-Long Fairytale books. I lost myself completely in the internal landscape of my thoughts and that set the pattern that would be my escape for the rest of my life. I still lose myself in books when I am overstimulated by the world around me.
I cannot be angry with my parents though....they had no idea that I was escaping a world that was too loud for me. They thought that I was merely quiet and content to do my own thing, and so they let me. I am grateful that there was never any pressure from them to be anything other than what I was. Quiet.
As I grew older, there were other, more obvious signs that I was different than they were. I did not have the same eating patterns, circadian rhythms, learning style, communication patterns, or anything else. Even my hair was different...they all have brown hair and green eyes. I was...and still am...blonde and blue eyed.
Like many other HSPs, I have a unique and rich internal world. I often engage in introspection, analyzing my thoughts, emotions, and experiences with deep reflection. I have a vivid imagination, feel emotions intensely, often notice subtle details, patterns, and nuances that others might miss, and have great complexity in my inner world; making it complex, with multiple thoughts, emotions, and ideas intersecting. With that complexity of thought, as a child I had a very inquisitive mind, driving my poor mom to distraction with all my incessant observations about the world around me. I can remember a time when we were watching a Michael Jackson concert on HBO and I had been peppering my mom with questions about his outfit, the stage lights, the sound system, how he could moonwalk, and all manner of idle chatter when I was struck with a sudden curiosity. I asked my mom..."is he wearing loafers?" My mom looked bewildered as she looked at the TV and said, “yes, I think so". I said "well...are they penny loafers or just loafers?" She frowned and said, "I have no idea!" I thought for a moment, and then, because I could not help myself..."what IS the difference between loafers and penny loafers anyway?" My poor badgered mother's eyes boggled, and she almost growled in frustration..."WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE...A FREAKING SHOE EXPERT?!" I subsided into silence, realizing that she truly did not care if there was a difference between loafers and penny loafers.
A similar pattern has been present all my life, in all my relationships. My contemplation of the world around me is never small or simple. I have had to learn to contemplate the complexity of the world in silence; so as not to upset the people in my life. When I say the struggle is real, it is. As an adult, I have learned to have those deep conversations with myself and be satisfied with that for the most part. But it is lonely. Maybe that is what I hope to gain with this blog. A tribe of likeminded people that can share the richness of my internal world and perhaps even contribute to it.
~Blessed Be~
HSP Warrior
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